Recipe for jet lag:
1.) Take one wake-up call at 4:30 a.m. and blend with a trip to the airport.
2.) Slowly stir in some very bad coffee and a stale croissant.
3.) Board 50 minute flight to connecting airport and cross one time zone so you arrive ten minutes before you left.
4.) Wait four hours.
5.) Set timer to 7 hours and place yourself in an uncomfortable container. Marinate well.
6.) After 7 hours check local conditions and loop for an additional hour, if necessary.
7.) Divert to alternate airport for fuel because of looping for additional hour.
8.) Wait two hours on the ground before refueling -- do not debark.
9.) Fly to final destination and subract five hours.
10.) Wake up following day at 4:00 a.m. local time (10:00 a.m. origination point time)
11.) Attempt to function normally.
Serves 1-4 people. Prep time 36 hours.
Since I've been dead for the past five days and this is Holy Week, it would be the perfect opportunity to keep your promise of resurrection. Oh Holy Father in heaven I offer a blanket apology for any indiscretions and confess all my sins, real or imagined. I am sure that thou hast perfectly good reason to smite me as I am a lowly human, created in your image with free will, but lacking definitive instruction on how to use it properly. And, since I am a descendant of that accursed couple from paradise, I have inherited the full brunt of their ancient transgressions.
I have been laid low. Please oh lord, raise me up so that I may not satisfy my own personal agenda, but be the stalwart buttress that supports those about me who need and depend on me. You know who they are. It's not that I am questioning your divine plan, since by definition, it's … uh … divine, but only saying that from my perspective, right now, kind of sucks and is not congruent with what I have been taught about my own reason for existence. Please forgive me also for using "sucks" in a prayer.
I hope to arise from my slab on Easter morning rejuvenated from my early demise with all the hope and promise of a reborn soul. But I'll settle for a temperature below 100°F and not every joint and muscle hurting so I can continue to do your good work.
“100 pounds of fattening food you'd never consider eating the rest of the year, $575.00 … Gifts for 22 people you barely know but feel obligated to buy, $317.00 … 14 hours of therapy and antidepressants, $1,050.00 … January 2nd, priceless.”